Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
