he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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