I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
