She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
