You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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