I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
