should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
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He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
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I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
My ass is underappreciated
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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