Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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