There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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