Did you just see the Batmobile???
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Vodka?
Forever.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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