One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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