god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
