Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
