yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Drake has all the answers
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
