Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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