You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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