she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
