you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i dont even know how to be here
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
