The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
