I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
