Umm I'm too high to move.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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