I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Text me some of your sweat
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