The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
i think i just lost a toe
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
