there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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