plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
