we have pet lesbian snakes
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
