I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
