I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize