My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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