i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
