John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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