it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
