The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
