just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
