I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
