I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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