So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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