2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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