If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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