You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
