My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.