i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.