my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason