The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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