Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
