You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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