Plan B is the new Plan A
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
