fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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