Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
