Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
