i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
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I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
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Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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