I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
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Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
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