so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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