The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
