Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
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