Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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