Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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