3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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