Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
