I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
