If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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