I wanna bring you to show and tell
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
