now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
