you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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