Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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