just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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